cripsy13

Musings, mutterings from the misguided.

TRUST…WORTHY?

5 Comments

When I was young, I trusted EVERYBODY.  I took everyone at their word and never once did I even consider that someone was being less than truthful with me or wanted to hurt me.  I was an open book; my mother used to tell me that I wore my heart on my sleeve.  You always knew where you stood with me – why would I lie?  Why would I hide my feelings away?

Thanks to lying, cheating men, friends who stabbed me in the back – I have done a complete 360 – I trust NO ONE.  It borders on paranoia.  Someone says something to me, I immediately think ‘can this person be trusted?’ – or, ‘is this true?’  Even people that I love – I have a hard time completely believing them – and believing IN them.  It’s not a conscious decision, rather something that has become ingrained into my psyche.

Theworstthingaboutbeingliedto

If I were to write out all of the relationships I’ve had over the years, I’d have Hollywood writers knocking down my door, because NOBODY has the kind of luck I’ve had with men and this stuff can’t be made up.  From being in a long term relationship with someone who was engaged the whole time (this is where that ‘trust’ thing came into play; I had no idea) – to the guy who was married (yep, didn’t know that either – dumb? trusting?  stupid?  all of the above? – I only found out when I went to change my bird cage and saw the birth announcement of his daughter in the paper – seriously, no word of a lie – ha).  How about the guy who, unbeknownst to me, had hepatitis C and failed to inform me?  The only way I found out about that, was through a colleague at work (we all worked together) who had seen it in his file.  I had to go through the whole process of shots and updates for years.

Now, the occasional white lie – when appropriate – is okay.  I’m talking the ‘yes, you look AMAZING in those skin tight, white pants and no, I can’t see your happy face underwear through them’ kind of white lie.

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But soul destroying lying – whether it is outright – or lying through omission – is NOT okay.

I have developed a very cynical attitude towards most people.  I question people’s sincerity.  I question their motives.  I question their moral compass.  I feel – subconsciously – that I can no longer trust anyone for anything they say.  If someone says something nice about me, I shift into ‘WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY THAT?” – I can’t even accept a proper compliment without getting the shifty eyed ‘you’re lying’ look going.

If someone tells me something that just doesn’t sound right, I don’t say much of anything.  However, I have the memory of an elephant for lies – and if you are lying to me, I WILL catch you.  Imagine how exhausting it is to be suspicious of almost anything anyone says.

I never used to be this bad – it’s only been in the past 9 years or so (since my father died).  I’ve always had a wall, but his death made me build a wall AROUND the wall, put barbed wire up, build a moat with sharks in it and guarded with a fire breathing dragon.

dragon

As you can imagine, this has caused many a rift in friendships.  I have a small handful of people that I call my friends and each one of them is very special to me and I hate the fact that from time to time, I question what they tell me – or what they’re not telling me.

As I continue my journey into healthier living – inside and out, I’m desperately trying to not question what people are saying and/or doing, NOT question their motives and NOT think that they have an ulterior motive when they say something kind to me.  Because – I’m learning that these people are in my life because they give me something – love, friendship, honesty and kindness – and I hope (and I’m not going to question this either) that they think the same of me.

live-life-quotes-sayings-positive-trust-you_thumb

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Author: cripsy13

A middle aged woman trying to find humour in the day to day challenges of living with depression.

5 thoughts on “TRUST…WORTHY?

  1. I’m so sorry those men did those things to you 😦

    I’ve experienced this level of distrust. It’s exhausting. “I can’t even accept a proper compliment without getting the shifty eyed ‘you’re lying’ look going.” <— This is something I definitely still go through.

    My father is a great person, but is mind-numbingly toxic to really close family members. I was the last one in the family to stop talking to him and I had to make that decision this summer when, after only seeing him for a couple hours for the first time in 6 months, he verbally tore my life to bits. He made me feel like a failure, insulted my mother (they've been separated for over 15 years), and implied that all of my accomplishments were his doing. Because of my experiences with him, I find it hard to trust people. I feel like they can turn on me at any second. It's exhausting to be so paranoid, and it's definitely a mental loop I've been trying to break. I think partly for this reason, and partly because I had severe health issues for 6 or 7 years, I have found it hard to make lots of friends. College wasn't the "best time of my life" and now, a year and a half out of college, I really feel like I'd love a group of friends. I just don't know where to find them.

    Wow, this was probably TMI for a total stranger. But take it as a compliment, because your post was so raw and real that I couldn't help but share a bit of my story in return. Thanks for being so honest 🙂 Somehow it helps to know I'm not alone in this kind of thing.

    • Thank you for sharing YOUR story with me!

      I have a saying ‘if you wouldn’t let your friends treat you badly, why would you let your family do it?’ I think it’s a good thing that you recognized that your father was toxic to you and there is nothing wrong with putting distance between you two. Maybe, someday down the road, you might tell your father how you feel – or maybe not. That will be your decision!

      People have to earn trust. It’s not simply handed out. It’s like respect. I don’t care who you are – if you treat me and others with respect, I, in turn, will do the same.

      You will meet certain people in your life who will become people you CAN trust. Listen to your instincts (although I understand that it’s difficult because they’re always screaming DON’T TRUST! DON’T TRUST! 🙂 ) I have been blessed with a handful of amazing people who have all come into my life at different times, through different circumstances…and that will happen for you, if you let it.

      Find something you’re passionate about! Do you like art? Join an art club. Do you like animals? Volunteer at an animal shelter – these are the places where you will meet like minded people 🙂 Heck, a couple of my closest friends have been ex colleagues!

      You’re not alone – keep doing the best you can.

      • Thanks so much 🙂 I’m really trying to put myself out there. I guess it’s a work in progress. It also doesn’t help that I’m kind of a home body, and love to sit on the couch with my boyfriend and my dogs 😛 But I’m going to try to join a club like you suggested and see what happens. Thanks again!! I’ve subscribed to your blog!

  2. I too used to fear a lot of the same emotions as you do. I was cynical and had difficulty believing or trusting anyone. Slowly I started to realise that the only person I was hurting was myself. It was in November last year that I started my blog to try and eradicate my negative emotions by attempting to bring down the self-imposed walls that I had erected around myself. It can be done. Love Jenna

    • Thanks, Jenna!

      As I wander down the path of self discovery, these are things that are coming to the forefront of my brain. I’m finding it interesting that I’m able to express these things, whereas before – they were just random blobs floating around in my psyche.

      As my dear old dad used to say “Onwards and sideways, kid!”

      Cheers!

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