When I was young, I trusted EVERYBODY. I took everyone at their word and never once did I even consider that someone was being less than truthful with me or wanted to hurt me. I was an open book; my mother used to tell me that I wore my heart on my sleeve. You always knew where you stood with me – why would I lie? Why would I hide my feelings away?
Thanks to lying, cheating men, friends who stabbed me in the back – I have done a complete 360 – I trust NO ONE. It borders on paranoia. Someone says something to me, I immediately think ‘can this person be trusted?’ – or, ‘is this true?’ Even people that I love – I have a hard time completely believing them – and believing IN them. It’s not a conscious decision, rather something that has become ingrained into my psyche.
If I were to write out all of the relationships I’ve had over the years, I’d have Hollywood writers knocking down my door, because NOBODY has the kind of luck I’ve had with men and this stuff can’t be made up. From being in a long term relationship with someone who was engaged the whole time (this is where that ‘trust’ thing came into play; I had no idea) – to the guy who was married (yep, didn’t know that either – dumb? trusting? stupid? all of the above? – I only found out when I went to change my bird cage and saw the birth announcement of his daughter in the paper – seriously, no word of a lie – ha). How about the guy who, unbeknownst to me, had hepatitis C and failed to inform me? The only way I found out about that, was through a colleague at work (we all worked together) who had seen it in his file. I had to go through the whole process of shots and updates for years.
Now, the occasional white lie – when appropriate – is okay. I’m talking the ‘yes, you look AMAZING in those skin tight, white pants and no, I can’t see your happy face underwear through them’ kind of white lie.
But soul destroying lying – whether it is outright – or lying through omission – is NOT okay.
I have developed a very cynical attitude towards most people. I question people’s sincerity. I question their motives. I question their moral compass. I feel – subconsciously – that I can no longer trust anyone for anything they say. If someone says something nice about me, I shift into ‘WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY THAT?” – I can’t even accept a proper compliment without getting the shifty eyed ‘you’re lying’ look going.
If someone tells me something that just doesn’t sound right, I don’t say much of anything. However, I have the memory of an elephant for lies – and if you are lying to me, I WILL catch you. Imagine how exhausting it is to be suspicious of almost anything anyone says.
I never used to be this bad – it’s only been in the past 9 years or so (since my father died). I’ve always had a wall, but his death made me build a wall AROUND the wall, put barbed wire up, build a moat with sharks in it and guarded with a fire breathing dragon.
As you can imagine, this has caused many a rift in friendships. I have a small handful of people that I call my friends and each one of them is very special to me and I hate the fact that from time to time, I question what they tell me – or what they’re not telling me.
As I continue my journey into healthier living – inside and out, I’m desperately trying to not question what people are saying and/or doing, NOT question their motives and NOT think that they have an ulterior motive when they say something kind to me. Because – I’m learning that these people are in my life because they give me something – love, friendship, honesty and kindness – and I hope (and I’m not going to question this either) that they think the same of me.