I don’t remember getting here, but I have arrived!
Yep, in less than a week, I will be 46. That’s one year closer to 50.
To be honest, I’ve never thought about getting old. I mean, I knew it was going to happen (eventually and obviously) but I’ve really not sat down and thought to myself ‘well, here you are. I guess it’s time you started buying polyester pants and sweatshirts with kittens on them.’ Or, ‘Don’t forget to put orthotics in your shoes, because you know how much your back hurts when you forget.’
I think that the big reason that this has come to a head is that I found my very first grey hair about two weeks ago (pun intended).
Now, I always thought that was stupid. Really? A grey hair? Big deal. Well, to me it was a big deal. It made me stop and think that hey, I am getting older and it’s time to stop putting off things that I need and want to do.
Like lose the weight I’ve gained over the past 10 years. Take myself to Ireland. Scrimp and save so that I can buy the condo I’ve rented and called home for the last 10 years. Get my affairs in order (okay, yes I know I’m 46, not 106) – but some of these are things that I’ve never thought that much about.
I’m also realizing that as I get older, my body is starting to rebel against me (okay, let’s just call a spade a spade – it HATES ME). I went to the doctor yesterday for one issue, and came out with two. I am scheduled for a minor surgery in two weeks. Next week I have to see a new doctor about something else. I’ve some weird rash on my face that I’ve never had before. In there are more appointments for my Weight Wise program. Let’s not forget my counsellor!
All of it a bit overwhelming to someone who has the memory and attention span of a drunk fruit fly. Which is where the problem lies.
I’ve found myself this past week trying to take too many things on. I’m worried that the person I rent my beautiful condo from will want to sell as soon as my lease is up and thanks to my addictive personality, I haven’t saved enough for a down payment. I’ve finally got a date for my surgery, which is a good thing, however not something I’m looking forward to. I’ve got a crap load of weight to lose and I’m struggling with that and how I need to make some very serious changes to my lifestyle and I’m not sure if and when I’ll be ready to that (thankfully, next week I meet with the shrink from my WW program and she’ll be able to provide some help).
And, the more these things pile up, the more I push people away and just want to be by myself.
The Dragon of Depression is breathing fire at me once again and I’m doing my very best to dodge out of the way. There are so many things I have to do. There are so many things I regret doing. There are so many things that I wish I had the courage to do. There are so many things I wish I could do, had I the self esteem to do them.
There are so many people I miss, who are not here with me as I travel over the hill, but the one I miss most, is my dad. He’d be standing with me at the top of that hill, holding my hand – smiling – imparting his wisdom – “Kid, sometimes ya just gotta sit down and separate the pepper from the flyshit.”
And then you know what he’d do? He’d push me head first down the hill and laugh his ass off.
Miss you dad.