Last week was my very first meeting with the Alberta Health Services Weight Wise Program.
The day itself started out badly and I won’t get into that (yet another health issue), but when I got there, I had to park 6 blocks away, so by the time I got into their offices, I was soaking wet from the driving rain AND mad and even more pissed off that I had to be there in the first place.
I looked around the others in the waiting room. I do NOT mean this in a judgmental way at all, but these people were HUGE! They were twice or three times my size! They had special chairs in the waiting room to accommodate morbidly obese people (which, according to my doctor, I am)…that made me even angrier, to think that I am considered to be even in the same category as these people. I’m nothing like them…nothing!
By the time my case worker introduced herself, I’d worked myself into quite a state and had a huge chip on my shoulder walking into our first meeting. I was rude, abrupt, snarky…and then all of a sudden, I started to cry. Heaving sobs. I was crying because I had to be there. I was crying because of all the shitty things my mother did to me to make me turn to food and alcohol to solve my problems. I was crying because all I’ve wanted in my life was to be thin and loved. I was crying because I knew how much work was ahead of me. I was crying because I didn’t think I had the stamina, determination, willpower to go through with it.
My case worker sat quietly and just kept handing me tissues. Once I’d finished bawling, we started to talk about my life, how and why I came to be in their offices and what I expected from the program. She was good – oh, she was good! We talked for nearly 2 1/2 hours about everything – from my psychological issues to exercise to my batshit crazy mother.
Her ‘diagnosis’: Psychological. 99% of it. Before I can go any further in the program, she has set up an appointment with a psychiatrist to talk to me about everything. She read through my food diaries and said she knows that I am perfectly capable of eating properly and that she can tell I know what I’m doing. But she also said that she thinks the medications I’m on for my depression are NOT working, rather possibly hindering my efforts. The one component that I had to fill out a questionnaire on was for ADHD. And, according to my score – I’m a poster child for it. She isn’t able to confirm that diagnosis (I’ll have to wait to see what the shrink says), but she said it’s very common with obese people – or anyone with an addiction – we’re ‘smart enough’, we just don’t follow through on things because we can lose interest quickly – NO! GASP! MOI? Shit.
I have a long, long road ahead of me and it’s going to take time…first, I have to get a handle on the mental issues that have been stored in my brain for so many years, and then in time, with my head on its way to healing, hopefully, my body can follow.
I’ll have to learn to be patient with myself – not something I’m good at. I’ll have to learn to be kind to myself (again, not so good) and I’ll have to learn that this isn’t a diet…this is a new way to look at living my life. Some days are gonna be good, some bad. I asked her when I left what amount of weight they expected me to lose for my next appt. and she put her hands on her hips and looked at me and said ‘did you not listen to ANYTHING we talked about in there?’
As mentioned, that was two weeks ago and frankly, I’ve done everything in my power to completely sabotage any efforts previously made. I’m hoping that my meeting with the shrink will help shed some light on what it is that causes me to treat myself this way. Who knows, maybe the shedding light will lead to shedding the weight!