cripsy13

Musings, mutterings from the misguided.


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Letting go of the past…

This is a very personal story.  

I grew up in a home where love was taken away for doing something wrong (or perceived of being wrong).  Signs of affection were few and far between.  My mother had a theory that all people were inherently bad; if someone did something she considered a ‘slight’ – that person was banned for life (even if it wasn’t intentional – that person was never given the chance to explain or discuss the situation).  My parents didn’t have any ‘couple’ friends, I can remember only ONCE being babysat by my older sister.  My dad wasn’t encouraged to visit his sisters or their families, as my mother disliked all of them (for reasons unknown).  I remember my grandparents (my father’s mom and dad) visiting once or twice when I was little and that’s about the extent of that relationship.  I have aunts, uncles and cousins who live 3 hours away that I’ve never met.  

I grew up an emotional idiot.  46 years later, I’m still that person.  But, I’m working on it.

As a young woman in my early 20’s, I would do whatever it took to find a potential mate.  If someone expressed any interest in me, I was on them like glue.  Of course, back then I didn’t know that I had serious abandonment/lack of affection issues.  If they left me, I was devastated – what had I done wrong?  Was it because I was fat? (I believed that was always the main reason – even though back then, I wasn’t fat).  Wasn’t I good enough?  Pretty enough?  Smart enough? Mind you, it also didn’t help that my very first boyfriend in Grade 10 dumped me for the school slut. ūüėõ

I met He Who Shall Not Be Named at the age of 22.  He was my world.  I adored him.  He made me laugh, he made me feel sexy, he made me glow.  He was everything I wanted.  He was my soul mate (or so I thought).

He emotionally abused me (I didn’t know what it was back then).

I turned myself inside out for him.  He was evasive.  He had the emotional aptitude of a 12 year old.  He lied to me.  He cheated on me.  He treated me with disrespect.  His friends made fun of me because I let him do whatever he wanted to me – because (I thought) I loved him.  I found out a couple of years later, that he was engaged to be married to a girl who lived in a different city the entire time we were together.

I told him that I loved him and he laughed at me.

He turned me into a paranoid, weepy, clingy wreck of a woman.  We’d split, get together – a million times.  He could still make me laugh.  He still made me feel sexy.  He made me feel like a bag of shit, when I’d wake up the next day after spending the night with him and him telling me I needed to leave.

This went on and off for 10 years.  The last time I saw him was 13 years ago, when we went out for dinner and he came back to my place and stayed the night.  He even told me beforehand that he was seeing someone who lived across the country.  I didn’t care.  I still loved him.

The past 10 years have seen a lot of ups and downs in my life.  I’ve lost both of my parents – the death of my father was my complete undoing.  Never in my life had I felt so lost, so sad – so abandoned.

But, with all bad things – came good things.  I learned to be responsible – no more dad to bail me out.  I learned to make my own decisions.  I worked hard and started moving up different corporate ladders.  I made terrific friends, my sister and I became very close and I was proud of who I was and what I’d been able to accomplish with very limited education.

However, I never did learn ‘how’ to have an intimate relationship with a man.  After a few failed attempts at them, I closed my heart off to avoid further pain.  I did counselling, I learned meditation, I read self help books – because there was something – something I couldn’t put my finger on.  All I do know is that nobody since HWSNBN, have the feelings I had for him even come close.

He’s married now, or so I’m told.  In moments of loneliness, I sometimes fantasize about running into him.  But then I stop cold:  I’m fat.  I would be mortified if he saw me now.  The fact that I’ve got a terrific career, great friends, a nice vehicle and a beautiful home doesn’t even enter in my my consciousness.  He’d see me as the “Thank God THAT never happened.”  

As I get older, I’m much more attuned to my emotions, my thoughts and my actions.  I will often be sitting quietly and I’ll have an epiphany of sorts about something – and in those moments, it’s like a small piece of a wall breaking off somewhere in my psyche – it amazes me and scares me all at the same time.

If you’ve been reading my previous blogs, you’ll know that I have a huge struggle with food addiction and am just starting a new program through our health service where I live.  I’ve been on the waiting list for 2 years, been offered a place 4 times, but it’s just now that I’m ready.  Why?  I’m still not entirely sure.

I was watching a movie on the weekend and out of nowhere came this overwhelming feeling of anger, sadness, nausea and pain…I let out a howl that came from the depths of my soul – I hate him.  I truly hate him.  I hate what he did to me.  I hate that I let him be a part of my head and soul for all these years.  I hate that I allowed him to determine who I am.  I hate the fact that I let myself get to this place, where I replaced love and affection with bags of potato chips and bottles of red wine. You know what the worst part is? Is that for all these years, I wanted to apologize to HIM for acting like some batshit crazy bitch. WTF?

It was like a black piece of my soul had turned to dust and had been replaced with tiny seeds of love, happiness, kindness to myself and acceptance.  I say tiny, because while they have been planted, I need to learn to nurture them, to love them and to let them grow into something bigger and more wonderful than anything I can possibly imagine.

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MS. MANNERS

I am going to be one of those little old ladies, who sits on the front porch and screams at children to get off the lawn. ¬†I will wear nasty sun dresses with rolled down knee high nylons with slippers. ¬†My neighbours will tiptoe behind the hedges just in order to avoid me. ¬†The mailman will fling the mail in my general direction and high tail it down the street. ¬†Don’t even get me started on what I might do if I catch a cat in the yard attacking the birds. ¬†I will give the finger to Jehovah’s Witnesses.

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Well, except for the nasty sundresses and rolled down kneehighs, that’s pretty much me NOW. ¬†I am a crotchety, old bag at the ripe old age of 45.

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I seriously thank the universe everyday for giving me websites to rant on. ¬†I thank the idiots of the world, for giving me something to rant about. ¬†In today’s world, it’s just too easy. ¬†From the winners of the Darwin Awards – to embarrassing politicians – to stupid people in general, the news is a veritable wasteland of stupidity, ignorance and hideousness.

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Some of the biggest perpetrators, sadly, are the youth of today. ¬†I remember when I was a kid and my parents would use the dreaded “when WE were kids, we did/didn’t do that!” – I also remember looking at them like they had two heads and thought they were nuts (okay, they were, but that’s neither here nor there). ¬†But when did become acceptable to do some of the shit I see on a daily basis? ¬†I’m talking regular, basic manners type things. ¬†Like spitting. ¬†I saw some kid spit on the floor in the middle of a mall. ¬†Me, being the loud mouth I am, asked him to not do that and he called me a name that I won’t mention here. ¬†What happened to respect? ¬†Do people not teach their kids respect any more? ¬†What happened to holding the door open for someone? ¬†Please and thank you? ¬†

What brings this all up is that I was out this past weekend, and ran into ALL of these situations.  These were people that were well old enough to know right from wrong.  I saw a kid running screaming around the grocery store while the parent sat there and talked on her cell phone.  I told the child to stop doing that, and the woman just looked at me with this blank stare on her face.  I had a big bag of stuff I was carrying out of a store and the kids in front of me just let the door slam in my face.  I was so angry, I shouted THANK YOU! and they turned around and looked at me and sneered.

 

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Now, I might be a crabby old bitch, but I still take the time to be nice to people. ¬†To help little old ladies reach that jar of canned peaches on the top shelf. ¬†To stop to let people in when traffic is bad. ¬†To hold the door. ¬†To say please and thank you. ¬†It’s so easy to do – and takes such little effort and sometimes it’s that one kind gesture that can put a smile on the face of someone, who otherwise, might be having a shitty day. ¬†

Let’s work on making it the norm again. ¬†I, for one, miss it.


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NOW, JUST WEIGHT A MINUTE…

Last week was my very first meeting with the Alberta Health Services Weight Wise Program.

The day itself started out badly and I won’t get into that (yet another health issue), but when I got there, I had to park 6 blocks away, so by the time I got into their offices, I was soaking wet from the driving rain AND mad and even more pissed off that I had to be there in the first place.

I looked around the others in the waiting room. ¬†I do NOT mean this in a judgmental way at all, but these people were HUGE! ¬†They were twice or three times my size! ¬†They had special chairs in the waiting room to accommodate morbidly obese people (which, according to my doctor, I am)…that made me even angrier, to think that I am considered to be even in the same category as these people. ¬†I’m nothing like them…nothing!

By the time my case worker introduced herself, I’d worked myself into quite a state and had a huge chip on my shoulder walking into our first meeting. ¬†I was rude, abrupt, snarky…and then all of a sudden, I started to cry. ¬†Heaving sobs. ¬†I was crying because I had to be there. ¬†I was crying because of all the shitty things my mother did to me to make me turn to food and alcohol to solve my problems. ¬†I was crying because all I’ve wanted in my life was to be thin and loved. ¬†I was crying because I knew how much work was ahead of me. ¬†I was crying because I didn’t think I had the stamina, determination, willpower to go through with it.

My case worker sat quietly and just kept handing me tissues. ¬†Once I’d finished bawling, we started to talk about my life, how and why I came to be in their offices and what I expected from the program. ¬†She was good – oh, she was good! ¬†We talked for nearly 2 1/2 hours about everything – from my psychological issues to exercise to my batshit crazy mother.

Her ‘diagnosis’: ¬†Psychological. ¬†99%¬†of it. ¬†Before I can go any further in the program, she has set up an appointment with a psychiatrist to talk to me about everything. ¬†She read through my food diaries and said she knows that I am perfectly capable of eating properly and that she can tell I know what I’m doing. ¬†But she also said that she thinks the medications I’m on for my depression are NOT working, rather possibly hindering my efforts. ¬†The one component that I had to fill out a questionnaire on was for ADHD. ¬†And, according to my score – I’m a poster child for it. ¬†She isn’t able to confirm that diagnosis (I’ll have to wait to see what the shrink says), but she said it’s very common with obese people – or anyone with an addiction – we’re ‘smart enough’, we just don’t follow through on things because we can lose interest quickly – NO! ¬†GASP! ¬†MOI? ¬†Shit.

I have a long, long road ahead of me and it’s going to take time…first, I have to get a handle on the mental issues that have been stored in my brain for so many years, and then in time, with my head on its way to healing, hopefully, my body can follow.

I’ll have to learn to be patient with myself – not something I’m good at. ¬†I’ll have to learn to be kind to myself (again, not so good) and I’ll have to learn that this isn’t a diet…this is a new way to look at living my life. ¬†Some days are gonna be good, some bad. ¬†I asked her when I left what amount of weight they expected me to lose for my next appt. and she put her hands on her hips and looked at me and said ‘did you not listen to ANYTHING we talked about in there?’

As mentioned, that was two weeks ago and frankly, I’ve done everything in my power to completely sabotage any efforts previously made. ¬†I’m hoping that my meeting with the shrink will help shed some light on what it is that causes me to treat myself this way. ¬†Who knows, maybe the shedding light will lead to shedding the weight!