Musings, mutterings from the misguided.



Ugh.  Well, I’m back for round 1,457,989 of trying to lose weight.  I would rather put hot pokers in my eyes than exercise or count calories.

However, my weight is at an all time high and now that I’m middle aged (sob), I really have to get my poop in a group and do something about it.  My doctor (bless her) is supporting me all the way, as it’s now impacting my health.  I’m too young to feel this old.

I became the fat kid in Grade 4.  I remember that, because the class pictures always had me in the middle with the other kids surrounding me (Gawd, I hope they don’t still do that – it was just plain cruel).  I was also very tall for my age, so that made things even worse.  It was right around then that I started comfort eating.  To this day, there isn’t anything a bag of potato chips can’t fix.

Fast forward to high school…size 14.  Not bad, right?  NOOOO!  I thought I was huge, disgusting and couldn’t wear the same clothes the pretty, popular girls wore.  I tried (Oh GOD, how I tried) to make it seem like it didn’t matter.  But it did.  I look at those pictures now and shake my head…what was I thinking?  I was freaking GORGEOUS!  I was tall and curvy!  I wasn’t fat!  But to a teenager, if you were out of the norm, you were a monster.  Well, in your own head, anyway.

Early 20’s – I was hot stuff.  Yep, still around a size 14, but knew how to dress and I was a true chick of the 80’s.  I had the hair, the miniskirts and the stilettos.  I went clubbing every chance I got.  Still, I had zero self confidence and if some guy asked me to dance or go out, I figured he had to be blind or desperate.   I think in today’s world, we use the word ‘skank’.  Not a very happy time in my life.  Although I did rock the neon look J

I met the one love of my life at age 22.  It was a dysfunctional, fucked up relationship that went on and off for about 10 years.  I look back now and realize just how batshit crazy I was at that time.  A man paid attention to me, had sex with me, took me out on dates and spent time with me!  Wow!  I was crazy about him and when he broke up with me, I was beyond devastated.  I blamed it on my weight – what else could it have been?  Ha!  Many years later, I found out that not only was he dating me at the time, he was engaged to someone else AND dating another woman (I knew how to pick ’em!)  My self confidence was shot, I gained a ton of weight and for a number of years after that fiasco, any time a man showed the slightest bit of interest, I did whatever it took to keep him interested.  Looking back, I did some pretty awful and stupid things, of which I was (I was going to say am – but I’ve forgiven myself for those indiscretions)  deeply embarrassed and ashamed of.  It took me a long time to figure out WHY I did those things – and that’s a story for my therapist 🙂

Since that fiasco, I’ve dated a few men, most of whom were complete assholes, but I kept putting up with them because hey – it was SOMEONE.  It didn’t matter if they treated me like shit – I had a man in my life!  Yay!

Not yay.  I woke up one day about a year ago and went ‘wait a minute – what the HELL are you doing?’  I’d been seeing someone for a number of years – let me rephrase that – sleeping with someone – for a number of years, but that’s all it was and at that moment, I realized it wasn’t enough.  I wanted the whole enchilada.

I’ve been overweight nearly my entire life and yet I’ve wanted to be thin my entire life.  It wasn’t until I realized that I had to have faith in myself as a human being – not for what I looked like – but for who I was in order to have a true, honest, meaningful and loving relationship.  I’m now working on having the confidence in myself to appreciate who I am, not just what I look like or how much I weigh.  Because confidence is SEXY!!!!

I’ve got over 100 lbs. to lose and I started a couple of weeks ago.  In the past, it became an obsession.  I measured every single calorie.  A potato chip didn’t pass my lips for weeks or months.  If I went over, even by 5 calories – OMG, I’M HIDEOUS!  Every single time I tried to lose weight, this would happen.

Now that I’ve become a lot more accepting of myself – I’m doing my best.  By that I mean I’m trying to follow a healthy eating plan – and have been quite successful thus far – 8 lbs down.  However – GASP! – last night I had some potato chips and they were GOOD.  Am I beating myself up today?  Nope, just dusting myself off and carrying on…and now if you’ll excuse me, I hear some baby carrots calling my name…maybe I’ll just have a wee bit of dip to go with them.


Author: cripsy13

A middle aged woman trying to find humour in the day to day challenges of living with depression.

2 thoughts on “THE WEIGH WE WERE….

  1. Remember that each chip you don’t eat, is a victory. For bastards like your ex, the only way you can win is to show him just how much you can do!

  2. Go ahead and lose the weight and prove to yourself you can do anything. I’m with you on your journey.

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