Musings, mutterings from the misguided.


Ugh.  Well, I’m back for round 1,457,989 of trying to lose weight.  I would rather put hot pokers in my eyes than exercise or count calories.

However, my weight is at an all time high and now that I’m middle aged (sob), I really have to get my poop in a group and do something about it.  My doctor (bless her) is supporting me all the way, as it’s now impacting my health.  I’m too young to feel this old.

I became the fat kid in Grade 4.  I remember that, because the class pictures always had me in the middle with the other kids surrounding me (Gawd, I hope they don’t still do that – it was just plain cruel).  I was also very tall for my age, so that made things even worse.  It was right around then that I started comfort eating.  To this day, there isn’t anything a bag of potato chips can’t fix.

Fast forward to high school…size 14.  Not bad, right?  NOOOO!  I thought I was huge, disgusting and couldn’t wear the same clothes the pretty, popular girls wore.  I tried (Oh GOD, how I tried) to make it seem like it didn’t matter.  But it did.  I look at those pictures now and shake my head…what was I thinking?  I was freaking GORGEOUS!  I was tall and curvy!  I wasn’t fat!  But to a teenager, if you were out of the norm, you were a monster.  Well, in your own head, anyway.

Early 20’s – I was hot stuff.  Yep, still around a size 14, but knew how to dress and I was a true chick of the 80’s.  I had the hair, the miniskirts and the stilettos.  I went clubbing every chance I got.  Still, I had zero self confidence and if some guy asked me to dance or go out, I figured he had to be blind or desperate.   I think in today’s world, we use the word ‘skank’.  Not a very happy time in my life.  Although I did rock the neon look J

I met the one love of my life at age 22.  It was a dysfunctional, fucked up relationship that went on and off for about 10 years.  I look back now and realize just how batshit crazy I was at that time.  A man paid attention to me, had sex with me, took me out on dates and spent time with me!  Wow!  I was crazy about him and when he broke up with me, I was beyond devastated.  I blamed it on my weight – what else could it have been?  Ha!  Many years later, I found out that not only was he dating me at the time, he was engaged to someone else AND dating another woman (I knew how to pick ’em!)  My self confidence was shot, I gained a ton of weight and for a number of years after that fiasco, any time a man showed the slightest bit of interest, I did whatever it took to keep him interested.  Looking back, I did some pretty awful and stupid things, of which I was (I was going to say am – but I’ve forgiven myself for those indiscretions)  deeply embarrassed and ashamed of.  It took me a long time to figure out WHY I did those things – and that’s a story for my therapist 🙂

Since that fiasco, I’ve dated a few men, most of whom were complete assholes, but I kept putting up with them because hey – it was SOMEONE.  It didn’t matter if they treated me like shit – I had a man in my life!  Yay!

Not yay.  I woke up one day about a year ago and went ‘wait a minute – what the HELL are you doing?’  I’d been seeing someone for a number of years – let me rephrase that – sleeping with someone – for a number of years, but that’s all it was and at that moment, I realized it wasn’t enough.  I wanted the whole enchilada.

I’ve been overweight nearly my entire life and yet I’ve wanted to be thin my entire life.  It wasn’t until I realized that I had to have faith in myself as a human being – not for what I looked like – but for who I was in order to have a true, honest, meaningful and loving relationship.  I’m now working on having the confidence in myself to appreciate who I am, not just what I look like or how much I weigh.  Because confidence is SEXY!!!!

I’ve got over 100 lbs. to lose and I started a couple of weeks ago.  In the past, it became an obsession.  I measured every single calorie.  A potato chip didn’t pass my lips for weeks or months.  If I went over, even by 5 calories – OMG, I’M HIDEOUS!  Every single time I tried to lose weight, this would happen.

Now that I’ve become a lot more accepting of myself – I’m doing my best.  By that I mean I’m trying to follow a healthy eating plan – and have been quite successful thus far – 8 lbs down.  However – GASP! – last night I had some potato chips and they were GOOD.  Am I beating myself up today?  Nope, just dusting myself off and carrying on…and now if you’ll excuse me, I hear some baby carrots calling my name…maybe I’ll just have a wee bit of dip to go with them.


Leave a comment

Since the dawn of time…

Back in time, when Neanderthals roamed the countryside, looking for sabre tooth tigers to kill to take home to their women folk, there has been bullying.  I can just see the conversation between two guys out hunting for the day – “Me big and strong.”  “You puny and weak.”  “Me take meat home.”  “You take green stuff and make into food.”  “Me good provider.”  “You dumb, loser Neanderthal.”

Fast forward to the early 80’s.  Jordache jeans, white Nike running shoes with the blue swish on the sides, combs in back pockets and feathered hair.  Ah, junior high.  What a delightful time in one’s youth.  Those are the years where your body does unspeakable things – out of your control, you develop those fuzzy warm, sexy feelings (GOOD GOD, WHERE DID THOSE COME FROM) and you desperately try to fit in with the cool kids by dressing, acting and looking the same way (there is no room for individuality in Grade 7).

Enter the fat kid.  You know, the one that’s really funny and just wants to fit in?  That was me.  It didn’t help that I had the exact same name as one of the jocks and I was always referred to as ‘the other one’.  I did my best to fit in, and for the most part I did okay, I had some good friends, did my homework – the usual stuff.

However, my mother seemed to want to thwart me at every turn.  They didn’t make jeans for fat girls back then.  So, my mother would drag me kicking and screaming to the local fat store for clothes.  It was humiliating and embarrassing and I hated every, single thing about it.  I just wanted to wear a pair of jeans!  I wanted the cool Nike running shoes like everyone else (nope, I never did get those, I got the generic brand instead).  I don’t think I’ll ever forgive my mom for making me wear baby blue gabardine pants with a baby blue blouse to school.  I just wanted to be normal; THAT did not help.

For every fat kid back then – was a bully.  Mine’s name was Rhonda.  She hated me and threatened me every chance she got.  She made it so I was scared to leave by myself after school.  She teased me endlessly.  It’s something that I’ve never forgotten.  Back then, you didn’t tell anyone, because that would just make it worse.  So, I kept my mouth shut and lived through 3 years of hell.  Between that and my life at home, the only comfort I got was from a bag of potato chips.  I’d look forward to every Friday, because my dad would have gone grocery shopping, so I’d get home, grab the box of chips, chip dip and a good book and hideaway in my bedroom.  I still do that.

Fast forward to today.  Sadly, bullying is everywhere.  It’s in the schools, it’s on the playgrounds – but the worst thing – is that it’s now online.  You can bully someone from the comfort of your own home.  You can spread lies, call someone names, share private pictures and even (and this horrifies me) show videos of young women being gang raped.

I’ve seen the videos of kids sharing their pain through the internet.  I’ve read the stories of how bullied kids have committed suicide. I’ve listened to the news where they talk about how widespread bullying is.  There are ‘no bullying’ rallies, conferences, newsletters – you name it – it’s out there.

As a kid that was bullied, I think it’s great that these initiatives are trying to help the kids that need it the most.  The ones being picked on because they can’t afford the same clothes other kids are wearing – or because they are gay, because they are fat, because they wear glasses – insert affliction here.  The list is endless.  But, I hate to say it – it’s only going to get worse. I don’t know if you’ve ever watched a political debate, a reality show, a teen movie – because it’s not just kids that bully each other.  Adults are the worst perpetrators of them all.  If kids are being exposed to this kind of behaviour, this type of programming – hell, they can’t even watch the news without being exposed – where do they go and who do they talk to, to really figure out what is right from wrong?  Frankly, in some cases, adults aren’t exactly the perfect role models.

Those 3 years of being bullied never really left me.  I still wonder about the sincerity of people, I still feel self conscious about my weight and I still suffer from self confidence issues.   However, I lived through it.  I grew to become a functional member of society.  I have wonderful friends, a beautiful sister, a good paying job, a nice vehicle,  and a home that I love.  I’ve been very lucky over the years to have been afforded some of the opportunities I have been given.

But – sometimes I feel like I’m still the fat kid waiting to be accepted into the cool kids club.