Since my ‘incident’ of 3 weeks ago, things have been…well…frankly, fucking awful.
I’m now on medical leave with yet another bout of severe depression. Almost one year ago to the date. Time flies when you’re having fun. Right. (That was sarcasm).
I’m now no longer taking Cymbalta (thank GOD), but have had a few set backs since my final dose. My doctor (bless her) put me on a new medication, which caused me to have serious allergic reactions (swollen eyes, swollen eyelids, unable to breathe properly) and they did NOTHING to improve my quickly dwindling mental well being. I saw her this past week and she took me off of those and has put me back on a medication that I used to take, but went off of it because of the ‘flat lining’ effect that I get with all anti depressants when I’ve been on them for a long time.
I’m beginning to think that having no emotion whatsoever would be preferable to what I’m experiencing right now.
Usually when I go through a bout of depression, I’m basically just sad and very lethargic. I work with my counsellor(s) and talk things out and the meds start to kick in and I’m back to the land of the living again. However, this time, things are much, MUCH different.
I’m madangrysadpissedoffweepyfullofragecryinglikeababyfuckyou!ihatemyselfihateyouihateeveryone – it’s everything; all at once. And, it’s tiring and scary.
I woke up this morning feeling pretty good. I had planned to run a few errands (I’ve been away from work since last Thursday and haven’t been out). I had a coffee, watched the news…the usual. Then I weighed myself. And somehow, even after kicking my wine habit (25 days!), eating healthy (for the most part) and even exercising (I’m trying to swim every couple of days) I’ve gained 10 lbs. The highest weight I’ve ever been and it puts me in that ‘OMG, YOU ARE TOO FAT TO LIVE, SO JUST GIVE UP NOW‘ category (apologies to those of you who find this offensive; it’s about me, not you). Then an all consuming anger took over me. I screamed and picked that fucking scale up over my head and SMASHED it onto my floor (which now bears a bunch of scratches). I saw red. I started to cry uncontrollable, heaving sobs that were filled with deep, soul destroying feelings and I could barely catch my breath. In order not to throw the scale (and myself) over the balcony, I paced around my apartment until I could breathe properly. Then the condemnation came from inside of myself. “You are disgusting.” “You are a waste of space.” “You are so fat and disgusting, you shouldn’t be allowed to live.” “You will never be loved.”
I sat for a few moments and tried to compose myself and in about 15 minutes, it was gone and I was completely exhausted. I felt nothing. I didn’t feel sad, mad, manic, angry – nada. Something inside of me switched off. I showered, went out and did some errands, all the while, completely numb. Some guy cut me off in traffic and I barely flinched. One of the clerks in the store said hello and asked me how I was and I mumbled ‘fine’ and walked away, when normally I would engage in conversation with her because she is such a lovely person.
I got home and put my things away and sat down and had lunch. Then my sister called and by the time we were finished talking, I was once again feeling madangrysadpissedoffweepyfullofragecryinglikeababyfuckyou!ihatemyselfihateyouihateeveryone and had to hang up before our conversation was finished because I couldn’t speak. She was only trying to help; I didn’t want it.
I sit here, right this minute, on the verge of tears for reasons I can’t explain to you – let alone myself. I sort of feel like that guy in Alien who had that nasty creature explode from his chest:
I’m just waiting for it to explode from MY chest because then maybe I’ll start to feel better.
I’m very grateful for the love and support from my friends and family and I’m not writing this as an ‘OH, WOE IS ME! – YOU MUST PITY ME!’ because I’m not. Many people have asked ‘what’s wrong?’ and ‘what can I do to help?’ So, I hope this explains a bit of what’s been going on.
Depression is a bitch. It steals your personality, your soul and leaves you feeling worthless and unlovable. It is debilitating, exhausting and will beat you into submission until you can’t fight any more. It wants to lay you flat out until you believe that you are useless and there is no sense going on. However, I know – that deep down inside, my soul is fighting to see the good things again. It wants to enjoy life. It wants to live, love and laugh again! It’s in there, but it’s buried deep…it’s like a storage closet - all the precious and breakable things are at the back, safely wrapped and protected, but you can’t get at them unless you pull out all of the shit that’s been piling up for years in front of them.
So, patiently, I will take out each box and put it aside until I find the hidden treasures of my soul again.